This day and age it’s so easy to be sucked in and consumed by the media and all the “perfect” bodies we see on our TV screens, social media feeds and magazines. You only have to log in to be bombarded with pictures of girls with flawless skin, amazing figures and insane make up, but it’s not just girls, the guys are also athletic looking with great skin. I find it extremely sad that we live in a World where we are consistently judged on our appearance. We are made to feel that beautiful people are successful and nice when in reality it is what is on the inside that counts. It is even sadder that the “perfection” that we seek is totally unrealistic as most of the images have been photo-shopped and airbrushed. The images we see are all staged and shot at specific angles which are flattering to the models. They aren’t giving an accurate representation of what people look like and this makes so many people struggle with body image issues, myself included.
I’ve always struggled with my appearance. As a child I was fat, ginger, freckly, wore glasses and had braces, so needless to say I was constantly made fun of because of my looks. The deterioration of my health hasn’t helped me with confidence if I am honest. In the past few years I have had multiple surgeries leaving me with 8+ scars. We rarely see models with scars or any imperfections and therefore society doesn’t see this as the “norm”. For this reason since my first surgery I have been extremely self-conscious of letting people see my scars and covered them up. I stopped wearing crop-tops, would only wear high-waisted bottoms, began wearing swimsuits to ensure that my stomach was always covered and became extremely anxious. I was terrified of people seeing my scars and staring at me. I developed massive anxiety and didn’t even want to see my scars myself. I hated my body, I hated people seeing it and I hated seeing it myself. I was cheated on by my long-term partner and blamed myself, my appearance and my illness. I found myself in a downward spiral of depression.
Over time I have learned to deal with a lot of these issues. I began to accept my flaws and scars, not fully, but I am getting there. I have changed my mind set and now I know that my scars are not something to be ashamed of, but something to be proud of because they mean that I survived. If people want to stare at my scars then that’s okay, I understand that this isn’t the “norm” and that people aren’t used to seeing them.
This year I have managed to overcome one of my biggest fears. I bought myself a two-piece bikini (and it wasn’t a high-waisted one that hid my scars!) and I wore it! Now this might not seem like a big deal but to me it was huge! I was extremely anxious and people may have stared but my scars are a part of me and are tales of my journey so far. People are always going to be judgemental, unfortunately it’s human nature, but hopefully I can do my bit to raise awareness. I’m still super body conscious, I will never be skinny and I don’t have flawless skin. I have multiple scars, loads of stretch marks, a device implanted in my spine and so on but I am here, I am alive, I’m stronger for it and I am real. I have to make the most of every single day, be that on my feet, with a walking aid or in my wheelchair! So now the even scarier part, here are some photo’s of my scars. They are my battle wounds and a reminder to me that I am strong and I am a warrior! I hope that this post helps to raise awareness and if it helps just 1 person then that is enough.
Love & hugs, Charlie xoxo
Living with a chronic health condition can be tough. Life is a constant battle against your own body and it’s so exhausting. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to do certain things that I’ve always wanted to do at ease (such as going to Glastonbury which I’ve been watching on the TV and have gotten extremely jealous) but there are things that I can do. I’m trying to take steps to improve my health as much as I can and focus on the things that I do have control of. It’s draining pretending to be okay when you really just want to lie in bed and cry but I refuse to let this condition beat me. It’s frustrating knowing that having a “good” day and making the most of it by doing something will more than likely lead to repercussions in the form of fatigue and more pain but I can’t let that stop me from enjoying those days. I can’t just sit in waiting for a bad day to happen and waiting for the next flare. That isn’t living, that is existing. I am determined to live the best life I can, even if it may be different than I planned!
Love, hugs & hope, Charlie xoxo
Sorry for the lack of blog posts recently, I’ve had so much going on and it has all been a little overwhelming.
Last time I posted I was about the have the sacral nerve stimulator removed due to infection. The surgery went okay, the device was removed and they discovered I had a deep rooted infection and abscess in my back. I had this removed and then had nurses visit daily to come and pack and dress the wound. I am still on antibiotics and I’m awaiting the results of a recent MRI scan of my spine. It is extremely frustrating as the device was helping me lots but unfortunately the infection meant it had to be taken out. Hopefully in the near future I will be able to have it implanted again!
The cold weather means that my joints and raynauds are playing up at the moment. I have a pain management appointment tomorrow and I am awaiting a small bowel study at Salford Royal.
I am hoping that I manage to enjoy the Christmas period with my family and friends and I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
Love & Hugs, Charlie xoxo